I’ve had a lot of time since my husband died to think about what my purpose on earth is, besides taking care of me, myself and my stuff. We all need a purpose in life, a goal just to get up in the morning. I used to have a goal to get up for, a husband to take care of, cook and clean for. Now I only have me and I am at loose ends. I have too much time. I have no one to tell me to do this and not to do that, to go here and not go there. I have no one to answer to. I used to resent that. But now I see that I need those boundaries. I used to want more freedom. But now I don’t know what to do with it.
At the beginning of this year, I wrote, “If I have no other purpose, skill – my goal can simply be to help someone, each day, in some way. I don’t have to wait to do some GREAT! thing. It can be a simple thing such as a kind word or smile to brighten someones day. It could be an short e-mail, snail mail, an encouraging word, just listening to someone who is lonely. There are many ways to help someone, as many ways as there are people….” and I went on and on describing how to do that -but it was not so easy to do, especially every day, when I wasn’t feeling well. I had to give myself some slack, and I have to give myself even more slack now, without totally not involving myself in anyone’s life. Sometimes I just want to pull the sheets over my head and go back to bed and I do, more often than I should.
I have also found that I have to be able to ask for help a lot more than I used to, and this is not a easy thing to do. I thought my husband was independent, but I find that I am independent too and it hurts my pride to ask for help, and if they refuse, I feel like a burden. We all get old and need help. It is a hard thing to adjust to, not being able to do things that we used to do; – having to have more help with the yard work, that I used to be able to do and enjoyed doing – (And no one does it the way I do – even the young boy I have had working for me since he was about 13, and now he is 17) – having to have someone else change light bulbs as I am not supposed to be on ladders. And so many things-although I have come up with solutions for some things to make it easier. (It is hell getting old, my husband used to say, but it is better than the alternative. I think the alternative is looking better! LOL!)
So how do I help others, when I can hardly help myself? Everyone says I would feel better if I volunteer or get involved in something. I just need to find someone that needs the skills I have and and then find the energy.
I wonder if any other widows or widowers have experienced this. Or even younger suddenly single people who have lost someone. If so, I would appreciate your comments.
(Written Sept 25, 2012 and Jan, 2013)
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clarabetty 
While I’m not a widow, I have found that I don’t do as well ‘schedule’ wise as when my husband is home. I stay up later, sometimes way too late, etc. I have recognized also, like you, that there are good bounderies in marriage, that help me stay grounded. (I’m sure when I’m outta town, he also stays up much later, from time to time…
There is a reason and a season for everything. I hope you find the meaning of it all…and share it with us;)
dear Miss Betty, I know you wrote this a year ago…and I am hoping things are much better for you! I am sorry it took me this long to read you again! Since my retirement of three years, I experience much of what you express in the loss of your husband. The students gave me so much energy and life! And I miss that exchange with them very much. I think it is important to keep up social contacts in whatever way you can–church, an art class, a community book or writing club (since you obviously are a writer)…You have a great laugh and a genuine sense of humor…and much common sense—these days that is a premium find! Know you are not forgotten and I like your idea of each day doing at least ONE thing for someone else and even for YOURSELF! Blessings!
Thank you for re-reading me and your comments. I, too have neglecting my writing and reading of others writing and encouraging them. we have both suffered losses and it takes times to get back to things we once did. What you said about social contacts is good advice and I am trying to do that more as my “health” permits me l ( I just don’t always have the energy-or have business or yard work I have to do) I usually do feel energized once I get going as long as I don’t go too long. My writing group has taken a different route, now it is meeting at a nursing home and helping the residents write their “life story”-I have not been able to make it yet, but look forward to it. It will take care of about 3 needs at once, socializing, volunteering and writing.Thank you for your compliments-always appreciated. I try to laugh even when I’m low. I have been re-thinking my purpose and just this last week wrote a lot in my prayer journal and feel I have some answers, some of which I plan to share on wordpress.com soon. I like your idea of doing something for myself too, -that is what my counselor says too (I started going again about 2 months ago, after not going for almost a yr.)
I don’t think I will be as emotionally attached to this counselor.